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On Dreamshaping: Today I (Insert Behavior Here)
Mark McNease
One of the tools I’ve used in shaping my own dreams is the ‘TODAY I’ list. It’s very simple: a regular, running list of things I’ve either stopped doing or begun to do. While putting things in the positive (‘Today I started ….’) is important, it’s also fine to say I stopped doing things that have been corrosive to my heath, mind, spirit, and dream.
It helps me stay observant of myself. I’ll notice myself engaging in some behavior, such as talking badly about someone at work, or gossiping, or being gratuitously negative, and I’ll add stopping it to my list. There’s a beginning to it the first time I write something down, but there is not set end: I may add to the list for the rest of my life, or, preferably, until I’m shaped my dream to the best of my liking and can confidently say ‘TODAY I stopped adding to my TODAY I list!’
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On Dreamshaping: Write In Front of Us – The Dreamshaping Journal
Mark McNease
I have never kept a journal until recently. I’d read for years that any ‘serious’ writer keeps a journal, and I rightly dismissed it. Journaling is a personal choice, and until the last few months it was not one I thought would serve a purpose for me. The novels, short stories, and plays I’d written over the last 50 years (yes, it’s been that long), did not come from ideas in a journal. I knew plenty of people who kept journals or diaries and swore by them, but It was never something I saw myself doing or did.
Then came Dreamshaping and my hunch that writing most days could help me peel away the layers and obstructions that have impeded the creation of my life. I don’t write in it every day and would not fault anyone for that: we write when we have something to say, or we need to explore the dream we live and the part we play as its architect. I also don’t find any benefit in repetition, which has been the biggest trap of it for me – repeating the same things over and over, grievances and worries and doubts, as if the monkey mind has been given a keyboard and allowed to ramble. It happens, but it’s the opposite of what a journal is about for me.
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On Dreamshaping: Exit Signs
Mark McNease
There was something different about that morning. It could have been just another morning when I woke up feeling stagnant, overweight and overwhelmed. But when I opened my eyes, and my mind worked its way sluggishly back to the ‘real’ dream, the one I call my life, I had an unusually clear sense that the time had come: the time to change things, the time to rearrange the interior of my personal world, the time to shape what I experience as reality and my place in it.
I’d been on the same figurative road for years. I’d allowed myself to settle into a sort of perpetual frustration, and to think that if only I did some thing, or some things, differently, I would find the elusive happiness I’d always wanted but had cynically dismissed as a marketing tool for the self-empowerment crowd. I’d told myself contentment was much more important that happiness – and what is happiness, anyway? A puppy? An ideal job? Or, most probably, an illusion.
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On Dreamshaping: Straws and Camels
Mark McNease
I can’t name a specific date and time, but at some point the past few months I stopped paying attention to the news beyond what I need to stay informed. Is there a significant natural disaster nearby I need to know about? Has a foreign invader breached our northern shores? Have scientists discovered that drinking eight cups of coffee a day leads to a long life or that it causes permanent memory loss? There’s the local political stuff I want to know about, like who the next governor of New Jersey might be, and which dismal choice I’ll have to make next year for health insurance. But the overall big picture, the cloud of dread and anxiety that is our current 24/7 news cycle? I just can’t indulge in it anymore. Very little of it uplifts me and much of it depresses me. It’s as if, given the possibility we are not living in the end times, we’ve collectively decided to make it appear as if we are, like that Buck Owens and Roy Clark song I remember from Hee Haw, “Gloom, despair, and agony on me …”
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On Dreamshaping: Name Your Poison
Mark McNease
Observing the current cultural and political climate, I’m reminded of a scene from the westerns once so popular with American moviegoers. A bartender in a grimy, dusty saloon, says to a weary customer, “Name your poison.” The customer asks for whisky—they all drank whisky in the movies, with names like Rot Gut and Dead Eye—and the bartender serves him from a bottle on the shelf. The customer throws back a mouthful from a greasy shot glass, grimaces as it burns its way down his throat, then smiles, slaps the glass on the counter and orders another one. That sure felt good.
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On Dreamshaping: Nowhere to Hide
Mark McNease
Wherever I go, there I am!
It’s an old adage, meant to be humorous but with a grain of truth to it. The one thing I cannot escape is also the one thing I spend so much time attempting to flee: myself. My repetitive thoughts, my obsessions, my fixations, all playing out in loops that sometimes remind me of spools of yarn that have become entangled. Do I do this today? Do I do that? If I don’t to this, will I feel freer? What will bring me the simple relief I crave?
Another common analogy is that nearly all of us possess – or are possessed by – a monkey mind. This one is self-explanatory: what is something monkeys are known for? Jumping! Limb to limb, restless, never ceasing to move. That is a good description of our minds. It certainly captures what I experience almost every day. And the more I attempt to stop jumping, to settle on one fragile limb and stay there, the more another limb grabs my attention and within an instant I’ve jumped to that one. On and on, hour after hour, day after day.
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On Dreamshaping: Groove Is In the Mind
Mark McNease
On Dreamshaping is a weekly blog about shaping the dreams we live.
Remember that song by Deee-Lite, Groove Is In the Heart? It popped into my head when I was thinking about this blog post. The difference is that the song is very upbeat and infectious, but what I’m writing about is the opposite – or it’s infectious in a bad way.
I’m talking about the grooves we create, deepen, and tread in our minds. The mental repetitions that make up much of our daily thinking. So much that it’s hard to really call it thinking. When I’m walking around half-conscious, repeating the same threads of conversation to myself, the same angers, frustrations, and stuckness, can it be said that I’m thinking at all? This is a trap, a series of grooves, that my mind sinks into with alarming frequency.
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On Dreamshaping: The Empty Handed Life
Mark McNease
On Dreamshaping is a weekly blog about shaping the dreams we live.
Hands aren’t only for holding and grasping—they’re also for teaching us what it’s like to surrender, palms up, empty handed. The nothing we find there is often the something we need.
It’s hard to let go of our many identities. Getting up and writing has been ‘who I am’ for forty years or so. The fear we all have is that when something leaves our lives, whether it’s a job, or a creative activity, or a person, we won’t know who we are without it. This is acutely present with caregivers: taking care of someone becomes our identity, and when that person is gone, the loss is compounded by losing the sense of self it gave us: what am I going to do now? How will I spend my days or nights? What will define me?
I experience this with writing and the compulsion to create. When I don’t do either on any given morning, I feel as if something has been missed, or slipped away from me. And yet, I’ve written ten novels, countless short stories, articles, scripts, you name it. For the past eight years it’s been all about the murder mysteries and fiction. To not get up and write these things leaves me feeling as if my life is somehow ending, that I have no use other than as a man who writes fiction. That cannot be the case! I may not write another book. I may not write another mystery or thriller. But I will always create, which is what I’m doing now. And I will always write. Putting words on (figurative) paper is what I do, and there’s nothing wrong with allowing that to always be a focal point of my life. But I won’t allow it, as of now, as of this Dreamshaping, to determine my sense of value in this world.
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One Thing or Another: Are We There Yet?
By Mark McNease
It’s always One Thing or Another… a lighthearted look at aging, life, and the absurdities of it all.
This column was always intended to be lighthearted, even in its most serious moments. Sure, I look at aging, life, and the absurdities of it all. I even ponder death now and then, since it’s pretty much the end point for all of us. Where we go after that, if we go anywhere, is not something I spend much time thinking or worrying about. I have appropriate clothes for any destination, or none at all, in case it’s especially hot.
But 2020 was so difficult, so groundbreaking, like a sledgehammer outside my bedroom window, that it stands unique among the years of my life. And now, two weeks into a new year, it’s still here! The same election we would normally have moved beyond by now, accepting it as part of the political bargain we make for living in a country where people are allowed to vote, keeps hold of us as if to prevent our escape. The frustrations of lockdowns and limited interactions and one-way grocery store aisles and the politicization of absolutely everything has us frayed within an inch of insanity. And that’s just Tuesday!