Transition Mentor Wendy Cole: An Introduction (Part 2)
I knew Wendy when we both worked at the same place several years ago in New Hope, PA. I often wondered where she went and what she was up to. And now I know! She was generous enough to share her past, present and future with us, and I’m delighted to have her as a guest columnist for this six-part series. – Mark/Editor
Once he has a career, wife, house, family, he’ll forget about being a girl
I grew up about fifty miles north of New York City in Fishkill, New York. My parents took me to a psychiatric center along the Hudson River between Beacon and Cold Spring New York called the Craig House. I was ten years old sitting with my parents in front of a psychiatrist. He was talking past me to my parents saying once he grows up, has a career, has a wife, has a house, has a family, he’ll forget all about being a girl. I spoke up and said, “No, I’m a girl!” And that was particularly terrifying to me, but I couldn’t hold back. I was in front of my father who was adamant that I was his son. Unknown to me at the time, he had gone to great lengths to have a son. And no son of his would be a girl. I had declared in front of him to the psychiatrist, “No, I’m a girl”. After five sessions with the psychiatrist my parents told me, “Forget you are a girl. That’s not going to happen. You get that out of your mind. You’re a boy and that’s how you’re going to be. And if you don’t stop behaving this way and insisting you’re a girl, you’re going to be committed and fixed at the psychiatric center.” This was in the late 1950s and I was scared to death.
People like me are everywhere and this doesn’t go away
By today’s standards this threat could be considered abuse! It’s BS because this is not a choice! Gender doesn’t work that way. And this never goes away. It is who I am! My brain developed as female. My body unfortunately developed as male and that’s how I was stuck. I have talked with people coast to coast, blue state, red state, doesn’t matter. People like me are everywhere and this doesn’t go away! So I began my life of hiding and repression. I lived with complete inner turmoil knowing who I really was. And knowing that there was nothing I could do about it.
I forced myself to go to an all-male college trying to fit in
My teen years in high school were a struggle trying to fit in. Dating, forget it! I was afraid. I was afraid of girls because girls might figure me out and I had this big secret to hide. I’d forced myself to go to an all-male college. That way I could try and fit in. I did try dating in college which worked out for a time, until I felt I had to tell her. And yet another person I hurt by living a lie. The pressures and conflicts I felt were so powerful and intense. So that didn’t work either. I was able to get through repressing until my senior year of college. The pressure of graduating combined with not knowing how to deal with my feelings and life was overwhelming!
I knew at some point I needed to deal with this
Anything I had tried to do to fit in just did not work. It didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel good. And I had the big secret I had to hide. When I was about to graduate from college, which is another big life change, I knew at some point I needed to deal with this. I found a psychiatrist who agreed to help me. I started coming out to people in my local town, as he told me to do. I didn’t come out to anybody on the all-male campus.
A quarterly meeting of about twenty area psychiatrists
I found a psychiatrist to help me during my senior year of college. This was my second major pivotal point really trying to transition. At age ten, the first pivotal point, I had told my parents how I felt. And now I was really reopening the whole situation trying to deal with it. My psychiatrist wanted to take me as his case study to a quarterly meeting of about twenty other psychiatrists from the area. We met in the hospital conference room in upstate New York. And keep in mind, at this point in New York State, and even New York City, I would be arrested for appearing in public as a girl. I would be heavily fined, arrested and thrown in jail. It was against the law. So, I was dressed as male attending the meeting.
“You’re a freak! You should move to New York City
I’m sitting in the hospital conference room talking with the psychiatrists about my life. One of the doctors stood up. He said, “Well I’ll see you all next quarter. I’ve had enough today.” He then looked at me and said, “You’re a freak! You should move to New York City and turn tricks like the rest of them.” I was devastated. That ended meeting and my trust or desire to get help from doctors. That ended everything for me! During my next appointment with my psychiatrist, he explained, “This is a psychological condition with no treatment or cure”. This was 1970 the first time I had heard this. We didn’t have the internet back then and very little available information. And I tried numerous libraries. It was called transsexualism then. The word transgender did not exist then.
I discovered my diagnosis from 1970 changed in 2012
1970 was the last time I attempted to transition. I repressed even thinking about it until 2015, forty-five years later. It was when I discovered my diagnosis changed in 2012 to a “condition I was born with, now treatable by therapy, hormones and any necessary surgeries”. January 2015 I began therapy with no idea where this will lead me, but I had to see. I am 67, I’m going to turn my entire life inside out, upside down, and everything about myself was going to change. I had no idea if I could even do this and there are no guarantees. But trying to authentically live as the woman that I always knew I was, or even just trying, had to be better than continuing to suffer the way I have been. I didn’t know if I could ever blend into everyday life as any other woman.
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It is NEVER TOO LATE!!!
Resources I offer:
https://calendly.com/wendycoletm/discovery-conversation
Coaching for Gender
https://wendycolegtm.net/gender-change/
All those unhelpful messages from so many years of social conditioning and repression don’t go away overnight. Learning to manage your thoughts and emotions is all important to your success; it permeates every aspect of your being and journey. With my guidance this can be an exciting experience.
Coaching for Parents of Transgender
https://wendycolegtm.net/parents-of-transgender/
My goal is to help you get comfortable with this significant change in your family and provide guidance, understanding and peace of mind.