Grace Anne Stevens: My Transgender Life – Perhaps Parallel Lines Do Meet
Editor’s Note: I’m excited to welcome Grace Anne Stevens as a new contributor. Grace’s voice is unique, necessary, and a fabulous addition to LGBTSr. – Mark/Editor
By Grace Anne Stevens
My Transgender Life: Perhaps Parallel Lines Do Meet
Life is full of change and transitions. This is just one of those universal constants, that even if we forget to apply it to understand our life’s journeys, still takes effect. It applies to each of us, and there is nothing at all we can do about it.
As a transgender woman, there has been that moment of transition, or perhaps I should use a capital T…. and call it… Transition, that to most people like me, makes that moment, let’s say, momentous.
The entire concept of changing or transitioning genders comes with a pretty large suitcase of emotions for those doing it and is so often shared with everyone in connection with them. For many, that suitcase may never empty out, and is carried with them year after year.
I know that my own evolution went from being seen and recognized as a woman – was a form of validation. This was so true before I transitioned, when I would go out “cross-dressed,’ with the various padding and make up – perhaps a bit over the top – and continued though my transition and when I returned to work, and still for some time after.
I am uncertain as to whether others who undertake a similar journey of Transitioning the gender divide have this experience, as I can only speak for myself here.
Now, it has been seven years since the time of my transition. No, it is still not a lifetime, although there is a part of me that claims it is. I now observe that the idea of being “seen” and recognized as a woman, is no longer needed for my own validation as this moved within me; and my own validation was accomplished by just being. There are days, I go out with perhaps just a little eyeliner on. I don’t think that this is at all over the top. Jeans, gym tights, and a t-shirt are my most common outfits, and I still feel that I am female – a woman, and it is not dependent on how others may see me. I guess that is my evolution.
But there is more! When I transitioned I thought that the female version of me needed to be somewhat detached for all of my previous life, lived as a male. I never feel or argue that the previous life was lie. No it was what it was, and I accept my entire history and lifetime as it was lived, with all the gender struggle involved.
But the event, the Transition seemed as though it wanted to keep those parts of my life as separate entities, almost as if they were lived in parallel. For some time, I accepted that. However, I am seeing that that, at least for me, is no longer the case. My history, or should I say, histories have become co-mingled. I no longer have to tell people I meet that I am trans, and with that I no longer have to hide some of my history before my transition. It is not always an easy thing to do, but there is no longer an internal taboo about doing it. Actually, sometimes it is almost the opposite, that with some people, I have more to speak of my older history and the actually work I do now in the trans community does not ever get mentioned. I am not sure if this is a good thing and whether the parallel lines of my own timeline may have crossed at some point, and where they may go in the future.
I have been thinking about this a lot and am wondering if I should be concerned about it. Am I back to hiding parts of me from some people now? Or does this even matter? I know who I am, and my validation is well established inside of me.
Yet, my evolution is ongoing and as so, I wonder if my timelines may yet meet, stay parallel or often criss and cross each other. I wonder if other people whether trans or cis have this experience.
There are days, that this has me confused (yes, I admit it) and there are the days that I am just happy to just ride the wave. The wave of just being me and knowing who I am deeply inside of me. And knowing that that is enough!
Grace Anne Stevens inspires people to find their truth and live their authentic life! She is the author of No! Maybe? Yes! Living My Truth, and Musings on Living Authentically. Grace is available for speaking to all groups who would like to learn the values of, and how to live authentically.
Grace was selected as an Amtrak Residency Writer for 2016; you can share her experiences on the rails on her website https://www.liveurtruth.net/amtrak-blogs.html. She was also selected as Person of the Year (2017) by New England Pride TV. Visit her website at: https://www.liveurtruth.net/