Kjoy's Life in the Sr Lane: What's the etiquette on that?

Kimberly “Kjoy” Ferren

Of all groups on this planet, I did not expect that the lgbt community, especially the gay boys, would need an etiquette book, but apparently we do – at least according to Steven Petrow, aka Mr. Gay & Lesbian Manners. He’s even written a book about it. Who knew we didn’t know how to come out or ask for a date , or… wait a second, come to think of it, all of this was a near disaster when I came out. Okay. A “self help” book/site for young lgbt’s seems appropriate. But do the seasoned among us need this? It got me thinking about all the faux pas I’ve committed over the years. God/esses, there have been some doozies! And who better to correct our mis-directions then a gay man. Sorry ladies, but overall unless you grew up in high society, we lesbians, especially when we first come out, are a bit lost on etiquette of lgbt-isms and the like. We tend to go right for the more radical side of our history: stop shaving, cut our hair militantly, no bras (don’t we regret that now that they’ve taken a downward slope!); live on brown rice, and eat from plates made on a potter’s wheel. Those were the days! For me things were a bit different growing-up. I was lucky. I had a mom who appreciated manners and we traveled the world so we saw all sorts of social settings. The reason manners mattered was that my mom was literally raised a “holler” in the backwoods coal-mining area of southwest West Virginia. It was a true (unfortunately) ‘Coal Miner’s Daughter’ story (and worse). But my grandmother believed that just because they were poor country folk didn’t mean they had to be uncivilized. That attitude was forwarded on and she would take me, my brother, and some neighbor kids, out to dinner once a month to learn proper etiquette. That also meant I had to wear a dress! How she loved turning her tomboy into a girlie-girl whenever possible, so maybe these lessons had an ulterior motive. Anyway, there we’d go to the Camelot Smorgasbord all dressed up, and from the time we got to the car to the time we got home we were to do be gentle ladies and men. I wanted to wear my brother’s tie, but that was not going to happen (I sure did in college though!). At least I had cool shiny black patent-leather shoes. Flash forward. When I came out at 19 I was blessed to find my lesbian mothers, Diane and Cece. What this meant was this couple took me under their wing and brought me into lgbt society. Actually they threw me into the fire, for Diane was an uber-lesbian in Los Angeles, a feminist wonder-woman fighting for women’s rights, lgbt rights, renter’s rights, hell everyone’s rights! Next thing I knew I was sitting at a table with then Mayor Tom Bradley, petrified someone would ask me ANY question. All I could think of was, ‘at least know which fork to use’ (thanks mom!). These two lovelies took me everywhere, brought me into the lgbt world amongst older (sexy!) womyn, and eventually I found my voice and my own radicalism through to proper adulthood. They were so proud, and still are. So I guess it’s not so crazy there is a website & book to help coming-outter’s (young & seasoned), or for straights to get it right about lgbt society (“straight talk”). We all need an etiquette connection in life, and though as a lesbian it pains me to say, outside of our moms, it’s usually a gay man.]]>